Digging around in my wife's past

I recently discovered that my wife of 10 years was very promiscuous before she met me - I scanned through her diaries at a time when our relationship seemed to be foundering. It came as a shock but my wife denied that her behaviour was a problem.

As a result, when we undertook marriage guidance, she only came to the first session and it was just me after that. The counselling brought up the possibility of sexual abuse as a reason for her previous behaviour and I think her father, now dead, may have been involved. My wife has three siblings and several nephews and nieces.

Pursuing this line of inquiry and potentially changing so many lives seems impossible. Would it be better to let sleeping dogs lie? We are a loving and faithful couple with two young children.

Worry about now

Why are you contemplating causing so much potential trauma on so little evidence? Why you are so bothered by this discovery? Has it made you question whether your wife has been faithful to you for the past 10 years or is it simply that you had assumed that you were the more sexually experienced one? Perhaps you are worried that she is comparing your performance as a lover with other men she has known in the past.

Look at the reasons that the relationship "seemed to be foundering" in the first place. Your marriage guidance counsellor should help you examine why you had become so distrustful of your wife that you betrayed her trust by reading her diary. If you want to save your relationship, you need to spend more time worrying about what is happening to it now, rather than your wife's experiences prior to her marrying you.
SM, Tayside

She's moved on

A close family friend of mine was also quite promiscuous in her youth; in her case it was caused by a suffocating, overprotective childhood and a father who gave her nothing but indifference or criticism. She wanted some part of her life where she was in control and hoped to feel loved and special.

After a decade of being involved with various inappropriate men, she finally found a partner who treats her like a lady. As things were getting very serious and she wished to have no secrets from him, she confessed to her colourful past. It was the worst thing she could have done! Her partner drags the topic up at every opportunity and he cannot accept that she was young and terribly mixed up at the time. The irony is that he is in total admiration of his close friend who boasts of sleeping with 40 prostitutes. A classic case of double standards?

Part of marriage guidance counselling is to suggest many scenarios and reasons as to why relationships could be in trouble. This doesn't mean that your wife was definitely abused by her father. She probably saw no reason to continue with counselling as she has dealt with the past and moved on. For heaven's sake, don't risk losing your extended family and possibly your wife and children too.
Name and address withheld

Stop blaming her

The fact that your relationship was going through a rocky patch was no excuse to look through your wife's private things. Furthermore, if she was abused in any way, it is up to her to disclose this as and when she feels able to do so. Second guessing about behaviour that happened many years ago is not helpful, nor is it actually very fair.

Very few people come together having slept with the same number of people, or indeed, not having slept with anyone at all. Most of us go through a period when we are more interested in fun than we are a serious relationship. It doesn't seem to have done your wife any harm if she is part of a "loving and faithful" relationship now. Support her, stop looking through her things, and stop blaming her for your own insecurities.
A, London

Next week

My wife and I have been married for 15 years; we met some years prior to this. My children, who are now in their 40s, still have great difficulty in accepting the marriage; they blame my second wife for the break-up of my first marriage as I met her a few weeks after I had left their mother for a second time. Over the years, I have tried to talk to my children about this but I never get very far. Any family occasions are uncomfortable as they ignore my wife and it's also made clear that the grandchildren are only to have a relationship with me and not her. This situation is increasingly affecting my relationship with my children. What can I do?

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